February 4, 2017
I have a soulmate. He is, I am sure of it, the love of my life. He is also married, and lives 1800 miles away.
But I love him. Well, actually, I'm in love with him. We've never met. We've never talked on the phone. And yet I have never been so sure of anything as I am of our feelings for each other.
He makes me feel alive. And desirable. And smart. And funny. And most of all, loved. Just when I think I'm getting too vocal about my feelings for him, he brings me to my knees simply by telling me how much I mean to him.
I can't explain our connection, just as I can't explain what drew me to him. I saw that cartoon depiction, and that relaxed half-smile, and I was caught in a tractor beam. From the beginning. From the word go.
When he told me that I was the only one that remembered him "from before....I luv you!", I didn't believe it. Not that I thought he was being dishonest or anything like that, it was just hard for me to understand why others didn't see what I saw.
I fell hard. HARD. And yet I knew that he was falling right along with me. I knew. I knew we were on this journey together.
So I'll wait. If his wife won't forgive him for something that could not possibly be construed as his fault by any sane, rational person...well, I'll just say he deserves better. I am that better. I would take care of him. I will love him every day for the rest of our lives and beyond. I will cherish his heart as the other part of my own. He is in my soul. I close my eyes and breathe him.
Something tells me that part of his wanting to see a counselor is because he is seeking permission to leave her for me. I told him he can not leave her for me. He must leave her for himself. But now, I really see that as simple semantics. She can not forgive him. I can. So be it. Forgiveness is love. I love him, therefore I forgive him. It boggles his mind, but it really is that simple for me.
He didn't tell me the truth because he loved me. He lied to me because he did not want to lose me. Because to tell me he was in love with me meant he would have to tell me why he wasn't already on a plane headed to my doorstep.
I told him today that every step in our separate journeys has brought us to this time and place. I could feel how much that meant to him. I really could feel him. I always feel him. Right now as I type this, I can feel him thinking of me and loving me. And it makes me light, and free.
My name means free one. Perhaps with him, I can finally be free.
I have a soulmate. His name is Rob. And he is the love of my life. And I have no doubt that we will be together. I can't resist him. He can't resist me. It's magnetism. It's science. It's the kind of love you dream about.
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Thursday, February 2, 2017
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
February 1, 2017
As an agnostic, I find no truth in religion. This was not always the case. In the early 2000s, I was discerning religious life with the Sisters of St. Joseph. I was very much in love with my religion at the time, or so I thought. In retrospect, I understand that religion was not at the center for me, but Community was. Always. I've searched my whole life for a place where I fit in, and among those women was as close as anywhere else I'd found. They were fun, intelligent, funny as hell, and man could they curse. They welcomed me with open arms...for what I was, not for what they wanted me to be, or what they wanted to mold me into. Warm thoughts, but reasons that are not centered around "god" are the wrong reasons to enter a convent. Plus there was the whole male stripper thing.
Today someone incredibly important said this to me:
you are a sensitive and feeling person with the soul of a scientist and a lovers heart - you are well equipped to do anything and go anywhere
And I was reminded of those nuns, who loved me and enjoyed me unconditionally. They were willing to take me as I was, just as this man I love is willing to take me as I am now.
My scientist's soul is smiling, and my lover's heart is overflowing with joy. Maybe I've actually...finally...found a place where I fit in.
As an agnostic, I find no truth in religion. This was not always the case. In the early 2000s, I was discerning religious life with the Sisters of St. Joseph. I was very much in love with my religion at the time, or so I thought. In retrospect, I understand that religion was not at the center for me, but Community was. Always. I've searched my whole life for a place where I fit in, and among those women was as close as anywhere else I'd found. They were fun, intelligent, funny as hell, and man could they curse. They welcomed me with open arms...for what I was, not for what they wanted me to be, or what they wanted to mold me into. Warm thoughts, but reasons that are not centered around "god" are the wrong reasons to enter a convent. Plus there was the whole male stripper thing.
Today someone incredibly important said this to me:
you are a sensitive and feeling person with the soul of a scientist and a lovers heart - you are well equipped to do anything and go anywhere
And I was reminded of those nuns, who loved me and enjoyed me unconditionally. They were willing to take me as I was, just as this man I love is willing to take me as I am now.
My scientist's soul is smiling, and my lover's heart is overflowing with joy. Maybe I've actually...finally...found a place where I fit in.
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